Well, I did it again: ‘The Losing-faith…oh-wait-I-was-believing-the-wrong-thing…YES-God-IS-faithful Cycle.’ Did you follow that? If not, let me help you understand with a current example from Unbroken Bones. Remember last blog entry? We were waiting for a stage manager.
Here’s the problem with that: I started to get my focus on what I thought I needed… to the point where I even narrowed it down to a specific person, a specific way, a specific time and thought “Wow, I have such faith because I KNOW God can do this!” Well, he can, believe me. If he shows up to people in different countries with different faiths and they start believing in Jesus afterwards? Yeah, he can easily call someone here at the drop of a hat to leave their nets and follow. But he didn’t (I mean, he still could, but whether or not he does the following still applies). And while God wasn’t doing what I thought he should as God, I started to doubt him. Why? Because I tied what I thought he should/could do with his faithfulness, rather than let he himself define his faithfulness. If God says he is going to do something, he will do that thing. He always does. We have written evidence–prophesies fulfilled bam bam bam. The Law: perfectly fulfilled by Jesus. For his entire life. And beyond. BAM! God speaks, God does. Always.
So then I thought: well then, why not for me? If he says “wait on the Lord” why isn’t he giving me what I am waiting for?
HOLD UP! NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE. The Word says, “wait on the Lord.” What did I add? A “for”. Oops.
You know, I really should have clung onto the verses that the Spirit kept calling to mind rather than my own deviations from them. To name a few: “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want [I lack nothing].” Kelsey deviation: I shall not want… because God is going to give me so-and-so as a stage manager by such-and-such a time! That time comes… no stage manager. Has His Word failed? No, it can’t. Hmm, perhaps I should have realized that I actually lack nothing, as he said, and when I actually do need something or someone, the Lord will provide. Because He is leading me like a good shepherd in his perfect timing and way. And again “Do not be anxious about your life.” Kelsey deviation: I will call so-and-so again… and again… because my doing something will help me not be anxious about not doing anything. Doesn’t work. WHY ISN’T IT WORKING?! (Meanwhile, I begin to become anxious but am in self-denial about my own self-perpetuated anxiety).
Are you beginning to understand ‘The Losing-faith…oh-wait-I-was-believing-the-wrong-thing…YES-God-IS-faithful Cycle’? Maybe I’m the only insane disciple in need of faith rehabilitation in this world, but I don’t think so. We all are in need of some serious faith-work. There are a whole lot of other things we can start trying to find our security in other than God, but they eventually always fail. We even may try to find our security in the very things that we start believing for from God, but in deciding what we think we ought to get from Him, is it Him we are trusting or the him our minds have crafted him into? In that, aren’t we just playing God ourselves? Uh-oh…
That said, I have no idea what to expect with these next few months. BUT I can expect God. And, because there are certain things that God himself actually promised, I can expect those things, too. For example, I can expect that God will always be faithful and full of steadfast love. I can expect that He is good and does good. I can expect that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I can expect that he will work all things together for good. I can expect that He will never fail. Yeah, I can expect those things.
As for the stage manager? If we need one, He will provide one. If not? He is creative; He knows what to do. As for our role in this? Waiting isn’t the same as idleness. If he calls us to act, we will. But we don’t need to be anxious in the meantime (in fact, we are commanded not to be). He will give us the wisdom we need for what to do and when as we look to him–he promised he would. And you know what? Even if this show “fails” in everyone’s eyes, doesn’t matter because He hasn’t failed. And his ways are higher than our ways. Besides, isn’t the whole point of this show getting His Word out there? Let’s face it, I could die tomorrow and His Word will continue with or without me. There is nothing to lose! He has already given us everything in Him. So why fear?
And so… we wait. And I really mean wait. FOR the Lord. The same Lord who is here with me–right now. He’s not leaving anytime soon. I. E. Never will.
Spoken Word Performer